by Maxwell Lamb
In my long history of pinning large men to the ground, I’ve come to fancy myself something of an expert on the subject. Sumo wrestling seemed like it would come naturally to a lad such as myself, seeing as how I’m quite tall, a little girthy, and unnaturally talented at hugging. Nudity is also a speciality of mine, particularly in a public setting, so the opportunity to wear a tightly wrapped long strip of fabric leaving very little to the imagination was simply too irresistible to pass up. With that, I joined a merry band of Fukushima fellows for a day of amateur sumo in the mountains, and proceeded to have my butt, covered by absolutely nothing at the time, completely handed to me. I don’t know where it went wrong, exactly. I’m dangerously ticklish, so my first fight had me erupting in gigglish fits of laughter, which was actually quite effective in psyching out my opponent. My height seemed to be particularly disadvantageous, as the others were able to duck under my reach and go for the full lift, promptly before tossing me outside of the ring like a beanbag. I couldn’t even frighten my opponents with my patented girlish scream. It would seem that the men in business suits who populated the judges area expected as much, and were entertained enough to hand us 1000 yen bills for amusing them. It would now appear as though I’m an expert in squeezing money out of businessmen by frolicking around without any clothes on. No change there…
In all seriousness, sumo wrestling was far more taxing and aggressive than I had originally envisioned. I haven’t been an athlete for some time, and it was nice to refresh the feeling of sport and combat in such a setting where the jovial spirit meets the athletic. By the end of the weekend, large, hand-marked bruises had formed on my chest like battle scars, my body had been tenderized like a chicken breast under the hammer and I could barely walk.
Completely worth it. Expect to see me next year. Rematches abound, and to he who bested me better than any other: I can’t wait to hug you again.